The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - Your Guardian Angel

When I see your smile
Tears run down my face
I can't replace
And now that I'm strong
I have figured out
How this world turns cold
and it breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find
deep inside me
I can be the one

I will never let you fall(let you fall)
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all(though it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one

I will never let you fall (let you fall)
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all (through it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Cuz you're my, you're my, my, my true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
Cuz I'm here for you
Please don't walk away and
Please tell me you'll stay, stay

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven
[to fade]

to 'someone' ...
****even if saving you sends me to heaven**************

i dont want 'someone' to hurt ..

My dear blog .. Now ..  I wanna wrote again .. there’s so much things I wanna story to you .. but.. I just cant simply wrote here ..

 It’s all about S.O.M.E.O.N.E

My dear blog .. Hurting someone that I love is one of the things that I really scared of .. even ‘someone’ that don’t realize that I love ‘someone’ .. but .. when I hurt ‘someone’ with anything, such as my attitude or my word, & watching that ‘someone’ feeling a bad about me, mad at me, hurt by me, I feel worst ..!  I am very afraid ‘someone’ is hurt by me .. to me .. ‘someone’ is my priority .. to me .. ‘someone’ is just too special that placed inside my heart .. so, I am very afraid that ‘someone’ would hate me .. even when I am apologizing to ‘someone’ .. & ‘someone’ told me that it’s ok, sometimes, I can feel bad for a few hours .. I feel soo bad .. …………………..better I don’t elaborate too long about this, coz I need to hide much of the details ………………………………………  but .. the point is, I am scared of hurting someone that I really love   .. I hate watching ‘someone’’s gloomy face .. I wish I can cheer up so that the face wont be sad anymore .. I am scared that someone would get annoyed by my word or attitude .. when the face looks happy, to me, it is enough .. even I am jealous watching that ‘someone’ is laughing with someone else, not with me, but, I guess that is more than enough .. that’s a relief for me .. but, when ‘someone’ is smiling just bcos of me, that would make me flying at ninth cloud .. ‘someone’’s happiness is my happiness .. but .. ‘someone’ don’t know about it .. & it’s ok for me .. I hope, I am the one who can make ‘someone’’s happy, I guess, I am not the one ..

I am just NOT THE ONE ..

[Down… Tired … Afraid…]

My dear blog.. guess .. this post  aint what am I gonna wrote just like what I’ve promised you before .. I am  not  going to reveal it yet..   my dear blog .. I am afraid .. next week is gonna be a tough week for me and my coursemate .. guess .. I am down again .. I am afraid that I don’t have any enthusiasm to study harder for this coming exam .. my dear blog .. since yesterday .. I’ve been thinking .. I just want to move on .. & I am stucked .. I don’t know, for the last few days, I am doing just fine .. but .. yesterday .. I feel down .. ignoring my feeling from yesterday until now is just like what I’ve experienced before .. I am getting broken into pieces .. I don’t know, when this could be ended.. loving someone is killing me .. i just wanna go far away from here .. to any place so that I can forget ‘someone’ .. I just wanna go far far away & stay there until I forgot about someone .. until I am stable enough to face everything at this current place .. my dear blog .. I just wanna talk directly to that person telling that = I am sorry to have this feeling .. I just can’t control myself .. me neither don’t want this feeling .. but.. what to do .. this is not what I had planned = ***no! that person should never know this***

My dear blog .. I am afraid .. I am getting down .. I am getting down again .. I don’t know what to do .. I am just stuck here………………………… I know .. it is useless to waste my time to have this kind of feeling, to love someone deeply until I am suffering every day, but how? How can I move on.. i wish I can tell you here y am I stuck .. but, can’t tell you here ..

My dear blog .. I am really hoping that i am strong enough to face the next coming exam ... I am really hoping that this ‘unstable’ feeling dont come out during this exam .. but .. I guess .. I am getting down & down …………  I am afraid that I will not do my revision bcos of no enthusiasm … I am afraid that my result will ruin .. aaarrrggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh… I wanna go far away from here .. I wanna stop the time .. until I am ready .. perhaps, my writing here sounds like a pathetic person who cant move, but , I don’t care … I just wrote what I wanna write .. I know how to handle myself …  

My dear bog .. listening to Maher Zain’s songs helps me a lot … but .. ‘someone’ is just my strength to live everyday .. I have my friends who support me everytime .. but .. ‘someone’ is just affecting me too much.. why should I am affected by ‘someone’ soo much like this .. ‘someone’ that would never love me just the way I love ‘someone’ … why should ‘someone’ that I really love is ‘that person’ ..

My dear blog ... I am getting tired again ... I don’t know how to stand up & smile to the world again … my dear blog ... I am tired ... I am tired .. I am tired of loving ‘someone’ ... I need to be strong to face this coming exam … not tired & hurting ...  

_______________________AFRAID THAT IT WILL RUIN MY FINAL EXAM____________________________

reveal something

my next post would be .... i wanna reveal something that most people dont read in facebook for my next post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! something that most people cant read from my FB ..

i am stucked ........

My dear blog.. yesterday was my 1st paper for my final exam .. last week , during study week, i was not studying just the way i need to study .. I JUST HATE MYSELF when i am like this.. i hope i am not like this .. i hope i am hardworking more and more .. I got everything .. what more can i asked for? i just need to study harder & harder .. not like this! I hope i will study harder after this ..

My dear blog.. yesterday, i am quite unsatisfied with my exam .. the duration for that exam is only 2 hours, & during the 1st hour, i just keep mengelamun .. wasting my time .. then, i realize that the time is running out .. i finished my answers quickly .. semesti nya! my answer is not a good answer!!! adddoohhhh! but never mind .. let the bygone be bygone!!!!! & tomorrow .. i got mandarin test .. & now , i am wasting my time writing in my blog .. SUCH A GOOD TIME MANAGEMENT!!! congratulation to myself .. ! good boy! hahahaa ..

My dear blog .. last few days, perhaps last week .. suddenly , one of my friends suddenly texted me .. asking whether i am ok or not .. the text sound like this ( a bit .. ) ....... >>>>>> sein, ko ok ka? <<<<    .. i was really shocked! well , i am in a middle of my conversation with my friend, & suddenly a message pop out and asking that i am ok or not .. i didnt answer that question, but i asked he back .. y is he asking me that way .. my friend said, i look serabai .. or in other word serabut .. or i guess, it means .. messy .. i was still shocked .. i asked again for confirmation .. u mean serabai in what way? my hair? .. he told me .. i look messy , my hair & also my face .. he said .. i looked penat & sad .. & i still shocked .. i asked him .. really?? am i looked like that ?? cuz no one ever told me like that before .. he asked me again whether i am ok or not .. at that point .. i was speechless .. but .. at the time he asked me whether i am ok or not .. i just wondering, did he know i am not ok?????????? .. i just dont know how to explain .. everything was just too complicated , hard , long & winded explanation .. lastly .. i told my friend to read my blog .. i just dont know how to explain .. hope he would understand what was happening to me when he read my blog ...  i dont know .. my story for what is happening to me now is = it is easy in to say in a few sentence, but, hard to explain .. >> what happen is >> i fall in love to someone, someone that will never love me just the way i love someone, its hurt, & i cant ignore the feeling, the feeling cause my life upside down everyday, sometimes i am ok, sometimes i am very down, but, i am very fragile everyday, because i am struggling everyday to be happy & normal just the way i was, & most of the time, i am struggling to be normal, happy & cool , when outside, in a crowd, i was joking with my friend at the fullest so that the crowd will not notice that i am actually hurting .. that is what happen .... 'someone' that i have mentioned just.. nobody knows except I and Allah .. you neither dont know who is that my lovely blog .. & i am afraid people who know that i am falling for someone would speculate anything about me .. i hope people around me dont speculate such a ridiculous thing .. SO .. THAT IS WHAT WAS HAPPENING .. i just cant control myself to reduce my feeling .. i just cant control myself to be cool .. i just cant control myself to be stable .. i wish i am not terlalu sayang kan someone .. There are the time when I ask forgiven from Allah because of i am terlalu sayangkan seseorang .. I hope i am not this terlalu sayang but ... i cant control .. sooooo sad..

sambung balik about my friend who texted me just now, i said, i was trying to cover my sadness so that no one notice except my closest friend, i am bergurau & laughing at the fullest in the crowd so that my sadness is covered// but .. he notice .. he got such a strong eyes .. Lucky me to have his as my friend .. but .. I am so sorry to people around me .. some of my friends , i didnt share my story because i dont share my sadness too much with my friend .. my friend deserve a happy story from me .. but .. i am just a pathetic guy who are foolishly in love with someone ..

my dear blog .. just like what i have posted in my previous post, the healing is starting .. i guess .. it is starting .. but .. i am stucked .. i stuck with my old feeling .. too care about someone .. too much thinking about someone .. too worry about someone .. i am stucked .. i know i am healing .. for the past few days.. i create a few words for me .. which are .. 'i dont care' .. 'its ok' .. 'i am fine' ....... and i let go anything that is going to happen especially when things are related to 'someone' ..i guess .. those words are getting strong .. & after i am using those words in my mind, i will force myself to smile .. & it works a bit .. haha ..

i guess .. i wanna stop here .. i hope i can finish my revision for mandarin .. all those millions of characters are killing me to memorize !!! aarrgghhhhhhh.........