i dont want 'someone' to hurt ..

My dear blog .. Now ..  I wanna wrote again .. there’s so much things I wanna story to you .. but.. I just cant simply wrote here ..

 It’s all about S.O.M.E.O.N.E

My dear blog .. Hurting someone that I love is one of the things that I really scared of .. even ‘someone’ that don’t realize that I love ‘someone’ .. but .. when I hurt ‘someone’ with anything, such as my attitude or my word, & watching that ‘someone’ feeling a bad about me, mad at me, hurt by me, I feel worst ..!  I am very afraid ‘someone’ is hurt by me .. to me .. ‘someone’ is my priority .. to me .. ‘someone’ is just too special that placed inside my heart .. so, I am very afraid that ‘someone’ would hate me .. even when I am apologizing to ‘someone’ .. & ‘someone’ told me that it’s ok, sometimes, I can feel bad for a few hours .. I feel soo bad .. …………………..better I don’t elaborate too long about this, coz I need to hide much of the details ………………………………………  but .. the point is, I am scared of hurting someone that I really love   .. I hate watching ‘someone’’s gloomy face .. I wish I can cheer up so that the face wont be sad anymore .. I am scared that someone would get annoyed by my word or attitude .. when the face looks happy, to me, it is enough .. even I am jealous watching that ‘someone’ is laughing with someone else, not with me, but, I guess that is more than enough .. that’s a relief for me .. but, when ‘someone’ is smiling just bcos of me, that would make me flying at ninth cloud .. ‘someone’’s happiness is my happiness .. but .. ‘someone’ don’t know about it .. & it’s ok for me .. I hope, I am the one who can make ‘someone’’s happy, I guess, I am not the one ..

I am just NOT THE ONE ..

[Down… Tired … Afraid…]

My dear blog.. guess .. this post  aint what am I gonna wrote just like what I’ve promised you before .. I am  not  going to reveal it yet..   my dear blog .. I am afraid .. next week is gonna be a tough week for me and my coursemate .. guess .. I am down again .. I am afraid that I don’t have any enthusiasm to study harder for this coming exam .. my dear blog .. since yesterday .. I’ve been thinking .. I just want to move on .. & I am stucked .. I don’t know, for the last few days, I am doing just fine .. but .. yesterday .. I feel down .. ignoring my feeling from yesterday until now is just like what I’ve experienced before .. I am getting broken into pieces .. I don’t know, when this could be ended.. loving someone is killing me .. i just wanna go far away from here .. to any place so that I can forget ‘someone’ .. I just wanna go far far away & stay there until I forgot about someone .. until I am stable enough to face everything at this current place .. my dear blog .. I just wanna talk directly to that person telling that = I am sorry to have this feeling .. I just can’t control myself .. me neither don’t want this feeling .. but.. what to do .. this is not what I had planned = ***no! that person should never know this***

My dear blog .. I am afraid .. I am getting down .. I am getting down again .. I don’t know what to do .. I am just stuck here………………………… I know .. it is useless to waste my time to have this kind of feeling, to love someone deeply until I am suffering every day, but how? How can I move on.. i wish I can tell you here y am I stuck .. but, can’t tell you here ..

My dear blog .. I am really hoping that i am strong enough to face the next coming exam ... I am really hoping that this ‘unstable’ feeling dont come out during this exam .. but .. I guess .. I am getting down & down …………  I am afraid that I will not do my revision bcos of no enthusiasm … I am afraid that my result will ruin .. aaarrrggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh… I wanna go far away from here .. I wanna stop the time .. until I am ready .. perhaps, my writing here sounds like a pathetic person who cant move, but , I don’t care … I just wrote what I wanna write .. I know how to handle myself …  

My dear bog .. listening to Maher Zain’s songs helps me a lot … but .. ‘someone’ is just my strength to live everyday .. I have my friends who support me everytime .. but .. ‘someone’ is just affecting me too much.. why should I am affected by ‘someone’ soo much like this .. ‘someone’ that would never love me just the way I love ‘someone’ … why should ‘someone’ that I really love is ‘that person’ ..

My dear blog ... I am getting tired again ... I don’t know how to stand up & smile to the world again … my dear blog ... I am tired ... I am tired .. I am tired of loving ‘someone’ ... I need to be strong to face this coming exam … not tired & hurting ...  

_______________________AFRAID THAT IT WILL RUIN MY FINAL EXAM____________________________

reveal something

my next post would be .... i wanna reveal something that most people dont read in facebook for my next post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! something that most people cant read from my FB ..

i am stucked ........

My dear blog.. yesterday was my 1st paper for my final exam .. last week , during study week, i was not studying just the way i need to study .. I JUST HATE MYSELF when i am like this.. i hope i am not like this .. i hope i am hardworking more and more .. I got everything .. what more can i asked for? i just need to study harder & harder .. not like this! I hope i will study harder after this ..

My dear blog.. yesterday, i am quite unsatisfied with my exam .. the duration for that exam is only 2 hours, & during the 1st hour, i just keep mengelamun .. wasting my time .. then, i realize that the time is running out .. i finished my answers quickly .. semesti nya! my answer is not a good answer!!! adddoohhhh! but never mind .. let the bygone be bygone!!!!! & tomorrow .. i got mandarin test .. & now , i am wasting my time writing in my blog .. SUCH A GOOD TIME MANAGEMENT!!! congratulation to myself .. ! good boy! hahahaa ..

My dear blog .. last few days, perhaps last week .. suddenly , one of my friends suddenly texted me .. asking whether i am ok or not .. the text sound like this ( a bit .. ) ....... >>>>>> sein, ko ok ka? <<<<    .. i was really shocked! well , i am in a middle of my conversation with my friend, & suddenly a message pop out and asking that i am ok or not .. i didnt answer that question, but i asked he back .. y is he asking me that way .. my friend said, i look serabai .. or in other word serabut .. or i guess, it means .. messy .. i was still shocked .. i asked again for confirmation .. u mean serabai in what way? my hair? .. he told me .. i look messy , my hair & also my face .. he said .. i looked penat & sad .. & i still shocked .. i asked him .. really?? am i looked like that ?? cuz no one ever told me like that before .. he asked me again whether i am ok or not .. at that point .. i was speechless .. but .. at the time he asked me whether i am ok or not .. i just wondering, did he know i am not ok?????????? .. i just dont know how to explain .. everything was just too complicated , hard , long & winded explanation .. lastly .. i told my friend to read my blog .. i just dont know how to explain .. hope he would understand what was happening to me when he read my blog ...  i dont know .. my story for what is happening to me now is = it is easy in to say in a few sentence, but, hard to explain .. >> what happen is >> i fall in love to someone, someone that will never love me just the way i love someone, its hurt, & i cant ignore the feeling, the feeling cause my life upside down everyday, sometimes i am ok, sometimes i am very down, but, i am very fragile everyday, because i am struggling everyday to be happy & normal just the way i was, & most of the time, i am struggling to be normal, happy & cool , when outside, in a crowd, i was joking with my friend at the fullest so that the crowd will not notice that i am actually hurting .. that is what happen .... 'someone' that i have mentioned just.. nobody knows except I and Allah .. you neither dont know who is that my lovely blog .. & i am afraid people who know that i am falling for someone would speculate anything about me .. i hope people around me dont speculate such a ridiculous thing .. SO .. THAT IS WHAT WAS HAPPENING .. i just cant control myself to reduce my feeling .. i just cant control myself to be cool .. i just cant control myself to be stable .. i wish i am not terlalu sayang kan someone .. There are the time when I ask forgiven from Allah because of i am terlalu sayangkan seseorang .. I hope i am not this terlalu sayang but ... i cant control .. sooooo sad..

sambung balik about my friend who texted me just now, i said, i was trying to cover my sadness so that no one notice except my closest friend, i am bergurau & laughing at the fullest in the crowd so that my sadness is covered// but .. he notice .. he got such a strong eyes .. Lucky me to have his as my friend .. but .. I am so sorry to people around me .. some of my friends , i didnt share my story because i dont share my sadness too much with my friend .. my friend deserve a happy story from me .. but .. i am just a pathetic guy who are foolishly in love with someone ..

my dear blog .. just like what i have posted in my previous post, the healing is starting .. i guess .. it is starting .. but .. i am stucked .. i stuck with my old feeling .. too care about someone .. too much thinking about someone .. too worry about someone .. i am stucked .. i know i am healing .. for the past few days.. i create a few words for me .. which are .. 'i dont care' .. 'its ok' .. 'i am fine' ....... and i let go anything that is going to happen especially when things are related to 'someone' ..i guess .. those words are getting strong .. & after i am using those words in my mind, i will force myself to smile .. & it works a bit .. haha ..

i guess .. i wanna stop here .. i hope i can finish my revision for mandarin .. all those millions of characters are killing me to memorize !!! aarrgghhhhhhh.........

[ Healing is starting?? I hope so ]

My dear blog .. it is already 12.46 am / Saturday / October 30th .. Just come back from Victoria Forest Restaurant .. 4 of us was having our dinner there.. A very special restaurant .. Guess.. i wanna tell what happened to me & what i had done today (Friday , October 29th)...............

When i woke up , i was still upset .. It is bcos something had hurt my feeling the nite before .. too hurting .. I had no mood at all when i was woke up .. i wrote my status in facebok, telling that .. “i was really2 hoped that i am not awake anymore this morning” .. this morning .. i felt like i am loosing my grip .. i am broken into pieces .. i woke up, took bath, &  went to cafe to have lunch with my friends .. i was very down untill i cant smile & talk with my friends. I just came to their table, sit & just silent .. They asked me wheter i am gonna have my lunch or not .. I just said no .. & continue my ‘silent’ess .. one of my fren asked me, u looked gloomy .. i just kept on silent.. they knew i am down .. then .. he asked me again, y dont u have ur luch? .. then, he asked to have my lunch, .. & i just refused.. then .. they finished their luch, & we went to masjid to performed Solat Jumaat ...
Lepas solat jumaat, kawan memang dh janji nk mintak aku bawak diorang pegi beli external hard disc & pendrive .. on the way baik dari solat jumaat tu, kawan aku tanya lagi “ko ok ke? Aku takut ko x ok kalau aku bawak pegi Saberkas ni ..” .. aku just cakap aku ok .. then .. b4 kami pegi shopping mall, kami pegi fakulti .. nk uruskan hal sedikit .. time tu, aku dh ceria balik .. Alhamdulillah sgt2 sbab aku dh ok balik .. murung memang menyakitkan .. lepas tu, kami pn pegi saberkas, utk beli barang .. time on the way pegi situ , aku ok .. time tgk2 barang pn aku ok .. tp .. selepas beberapa ketika, aku tiba2 down.. sebab aku down tu.. aku tak nk taip... baru sekejap aku happy, dah down balik .. aku sangat kesian dengan kawan2 aku, sebab terpaksa tengok muka aku yang murung mcm biawak direbus .. tp, aku tk dpt nk pura2 happy .. then diorang tanya aku, hari tu , ko terlepas nk tengok sunset kan? Jom kita tengok sunset .. aku yang tengah down sangat2 tu pn stuju .. kami pn moving toward pantai pasir pandak .. dlm kreta, aku senyap je .. aku still down .. i am thinking a lot during that time.. on the way pegi pantai, aku ajak kawan aku smbyg Asar.. Alang2 kami melintas majid Jamek Kuching .. tp, time tu dah aound kol 6.15.. aku ajak sebab takut terlepas solat asar kalau dh smpai pntai nnti... dah habis solat, masing2 tgk jam.. kalau kami teruskn niat pegi pntai, kompem tak sempat nk tgk sunset.. so.. plan pn cancel .. aku ajak diorg makan spagetti kat airport kuching pulak ..lpas solat asar tu, aku dh kurang down dah.. Solat memang menenangkn jiwa.. then .. baru beberapa minit aku happy, ada something yang buat aku down sangat2 balik .. terus.. aku cakap, cancel la makan kt airport, jom balik .. aku sangat hurt time tu.. tp, aku takut, kalau dh sampai unimas, aku still down, makin down pulak .. aku mengeluh dalam hati .. tak habis2 lagi kah benda yang menyedihkn aku?   .. aku saaangat down sebab dari bangun pagi, smpai pukul 6 petang mcm tu aku still down ... what a very pathetic life for me...! hepi sikit .. ada lagi benda yg buat aku down .. hepi sikit .. ada lagi benda yang buat aku down .. hari aku sangat menyedihkan.. i whisper to myself .. tak habis2 lagi benda yg buat aku down hari ni... then .. on the way balik ke unimas, aku pikir, kalau aku still down mcm ni, balik unimas, nnti bertambah down lagi aku sampai kat unimas.. so, tiba2, aku ckp, jom la pegi pantai .. trus, kami pn pegi pntai .. kawan2 aku tahu, aku belum mkn lagi dari tgh hari .. diorg pn tanya aku, ko x lapar ke? .. seriusly aku lapar, tp, aku just senyapkn diri .. on the way pegi pantai, aku memang down sangat2 .. 3 org kawan aku la yg jadi saksi semua nya .. b4 pegi pantai, kawan aku yang terlalu concern & sangat baik hati & sangat2 penyayang stop kat kedai runcit, diorg belikan aku makanan sebab diorg tahu aku sangat lapar.. aku refuse.. sebab aku down sangat.. lapar dari pagi pn aku x kesah.. tapi, diorg tetap belikan aku mknan.. diorg sgt baik .. diorang pujuk2 aku lagi suruh makan walau pun aku refuse.. memang susah nk cari kawan mcm diorg.. time tu dh pukul 7 lebih .. kitorg pn dah nk sampai area pantai pasir pandak .. aku mintak kawan aku berhenti kt surau kt situ dulu, takut terlepas waktu maghrib .. lepas solat .. kitorang pn pegi pantai .. aku pn start mengelamun... termenung kat pantai tu .. then .. lepas tu .. aku pn borak2 dgn kawan aku .. ombak memang kuat kali ni.. air pasang .. agak tinggi .. lepas tu .. aku pn recover .. dah tak sedih langsung .. aku tulis kat pantai .. “i hope i am OK” .. “i want to end this” .. & ada beberapa lagi yang aku tak nk taip sini .. lepas beberapa minit aku tulis, ombak terus sapu tulisan aku .. sebab ombak sangat kuat malam tu .. dh dekat pukul 10 mlm, kitorg pn beransur balik dari pantai .. 1st decide n pegi mkn kat airport.. seperti yg aku ckp b4 tu ... nk makan spagetti .. then, kitorg pn pegi airport .. tp, sblom pegi kedai tu .. kitorg cuci kaki dulu.. sebab penuh dengan pasir .. hahaa.. lucu nya .. pegi airport dengan pasir2 yang banyak kat kaki .. memang pelik .. then , pegi kedai makanan tu, tapi dah tutup .. then, baru lah kitorg pegi Restoran Victoria Forest .. tp, memang lawak , sebab pegi airport sebab nk cuci kaki yang banyak pasir . tu je .. haha. Lawak.. lawak .. lepas tu.. sampai kat victoria forest, kitorg order makanan >>> 2 jenis sorang >>> sorang makan 2 >>> kawan aku order nasi goreng seafood & laksa swk .. >>> kawan aku yg satu lagi pn order 2 jenis mknan.. sampai budak yang amik order tu pn blur .. hahahaa.... then .. kitorg pn mkn sampai perut rasa nk pecah .. hahaaaa...  then.. sampai unimas pukul 12.30 malam .. then, aku sembyg Isya’ // then , tulis blog ni ......... lepas aku balik dari pantai tu , aku dapat feel satu feeling , satu feeling yang otak aku dah start connect balik dengan hati aku .. aku start balik fikir benda2 yang rasional .. aku rasa aku dh ready untuk menghentikan episod sedih dalam hidup aku .. aku dapat feel yang aku akan sentiasa positif, melakukan semua pekerjaan kerana Allah , kalau aku start terluka tengok org yang aku sangat sayang, aku akn mengelak dari bersedih.. Kerana aku yakin .. Allah will always be there for me .. sebelum ni , aku memang dah terfikir untuk pulih macam ni .. tapi .. everyday aku mcm terlalu sayangkn org tu.. perasaan sayang aku terlalu kuat sampai aku tak dapat nk jai rasional sangat .. Aku memang slalu berusaha mem’positif’kan diri .. tapi, kerana aku terlalu sayang kan ‘dia’, aku jadi rapuh.. aku jadi lemah .. tapi start dari time aku taip blog ni, Alhamdulillah .. aku harap aku akan ok sampai bila2.. aku dapat feel yang, the healing period is going to start .. Insy-Allah .. Semoga aku sentiasa mendapat bimbingan Allah ....... timing untuk healing process ini sangat cun .. study week pn dah dekat .. so, aku tak lah sentiasa bersedih & mengelamun lagi time study sampai tak dapat focus .. sebab result midterm aku hancur sebab dalam kepala otak aku hanya pikir orang tu ...... Jai You!!! Fighting!!!!!!! 

a sweet memory ..

wahai encik belog yang ku rindui selalu.. aku nk story something yang terjadi kat aku time bulan yang lepas... 21 atau 22 ogos yang lepas... dah lupa exact tarikh.. time tu aku kt umah mak cik aku.. aku balik kampung mak cik aku.. weekend la katakan.. nk merasa puasa dengan family mak cik aku.. petang tu.. aku dapat kol dari mak aku.. mak aku cakap.. something yang mengecewakan la... malas nk taip dalam blog.. hi hi hi.. sebab tu bukan point sebenar aku... aku sedih sangat petang... berita yang mengecewakan aku tu aku trima time dh dekat bk berbuka.. time tu aku masih boleh kol free untuk nombor 8pax celcom.. promosi time birthday aku.... aku down sangat petang tu.. aku kol kawan aku... laaaama aku kol... nak di pendekkan crita.. tiba2 kawan2 aku cakap, jom kita pegi mana2 tempat.. aku cakap, kalau mak cik aku give permision untuk guna kreta, baru aku boleh .. atau pun diorang ambik aku kat sini.. then, mak cik aku x benarkan.. then, diorang pun datang jemput aku kt kampung mak cik aku ni.. aku still down sangat.. then, kitorg 5 org pun kluar... naik kreta kancil.. aku tanya, "nk pegi mana ni?" ... then ... kawan aku cakap.. jom pegi pantai.. aku pun macam, eemmmm .. ok la... pantai = malam ??? emmm... pelik tp best.. kot? haha/// kitorang pun pegi pntai mlm tu.. aku yg tengah down tu, sampai je pantai.. trus aku termenung dan melayan perasaan .. dengan keadaan pantai , angin malam yg sejuk sikit, bunyi ombak, suasana tenang.. aku bukan down just sebab "hal" yang mak ku bagi tau tadi, aku memang always sedih sebab "love story" aku yang "pathetic" tu.. time aku struggling to happy everyday, ada lagi "hal" yang menyedihkan datang.. so.. down tahap cipan la, aku.. back to the pantai, aku duduk2, tarik nafas panjang2 & termenung ke arah laut.. saaangat mengembirakan.... aku saaangat thankful dengan kawan2 aku... a dah tak down sangat.. saaangat berterima kasih kat kawan2 aku......... sambil kitorg borak2 kat situ... tiba one of my kawan cakap.. tulis impian kat pasir pantai ni.. dia tulis la macam2... aku tulis kecik jak.. aku tulis pasal "orang tu" je... hu hu hu.. time dah sebok nk balik.. aku tulis impian aku dan aku tulis nama orang tu sekali.. tapi, kawan2 aku dah sebok nak masok kreta.. so... that nite, nama orang tu tertulis jelas atas pasir pantai tu dan semua kawan aku tak baca pun.. haha.. nasib jugak duorg tak baca.. & aku harap, impian yang kami tulis malam tu semua jadi realiti... (walau pun impian aku mcm mustahil.. :( ... aku tetap hoping those dream will be a reality ) ... sweet sangat malam tu... 1st aku tenangkan diri dengan keadaan pantai yang saaangat indah... then.. tulis impian atas pasir pantai tu........ semoga ombak yang terkena tulisan aku malam tu akan turut mendoakan impian aku untuk jadi reality....................

a post dedicated to myself

hey you!
i hate you!
i hate you!
i hate you!
falling for someone is not a big deal, ok!
why you cant handle this?!!
why??
because of this thing, you are not the way you should act, the way you should talk, the way you should response to people around you!!!!
hey!!!
stop this drama!!!
plis!!!
you are not living your life the way you should live your life anymore!!
that person is not going to give a huge impact on you ok!!!!
stop this! just stop it!!!!!!!!!
i hate you for being like this!!! i hate you!
stop being too fragile when things is related to that person!!
plis be as cool as you can!
plis be as happy as you can!
plis be as strong as you can!
plis be as rational as you can!
plis!!!!!!!!!!!! i hate you now!! i just hAte seeing you like this!! that person is not everything!!!!
stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! plis! i beg you to stop all these things!
i beg you.....................................................

Cat rumah..............

my dearest blog.. i just finished painting..... painting area yang sikit je.. bapak suruh cat area yg masih tertinggal..... time aku goleng2 kan roller cat tu kat dinding.. aku termenung.. if my heart can be painted with this paint.. & cover all my misery.. i wanted to paint my heart with a joyful colour .. so that no more sorrow & sadness would be appear .. all that can be seen is the joyful.. the happiness.. all the dirt, the faded colour are all being painted .. & showing the world only the new & fresh colour .. but .. that is only my angan2... not real at all.. so sad... tonite is malam raya .. i wish i am not at home rite now ............................... hurmmmmmm.. everything is sucks ... i hate myself.. i hate everything around me .. that is y i wish i can paint my heart just now .. i just want to enjoy this raya .. but .. a few things make me toooooooooooooooooooo upset .. the major thing that make me disappoint are 2 things ........... "someone" and car problem .................. & few other things.... i know... i should be just cool with all these problem & enjoy the moment .. but.. i just cant fake my smile.. i hate it that i cant enjoy my malam raya... i am just hate myself............................................................................................................................................................................. i wish i can called that person rite now & have a very long conversation until i sleep & tomorrow.. i wake up with a very big smile on my face ........................ T_T .. but .. no!!!!!! that's not gonna happen .. i just wish i can remove this unhappy feeling .. can i?????

mad ..

my dear blog ..
today .. when i think about that person .. i just get mad with myself... i am angry with myself... i hate myself for can not get rid of that person from my mind .. now.. i am still mad at myself ... when someone text me, the 1st person that i hope that text me is that person .. like just now .. i suddenly smile when my phone sound.. but .. it was someone else ..... hurmm... i am just too angry with myself rite now .. i dont arrange my life proper anymore .. my room is like hell .. my self is like zombie .. y am i should be like this.. can i just take this thing easy & move on with my wonderful life???????????????????

i just need that person .. i just miss that person .. i just wanna know what's the news .. is it fine there .. is it happy there .. is it busy there .. but .. y should i know all that?? i am no body to that person .. i am just no one to that person .. so..... STOP! i wish i can shut down myself .... & start over with no feeling toward that person anymore ......................

last but not least .. ******* my post is still a pathetic post talking about my pathetic life falling for someone ******************************* SUCKS !

i hate myself

my dear blog.. i hate myself now... i really hate myself................................. for loving someone............... y should this happen to me.. i just want to get rid of that person from my mind........... i dont know.................. sucks! i want my life back... normal life... not worrying someone... thinking of someone... missing someone like hell...........

**** again.... a pathetic post from me ***********

like a fool......................

wahai encik blog kesayangan ku..
aku baru bangun tido.. 20 minit lagi berbuka.. aku tertido dalam 15 minit macam tu.. tertido dengan kuching kesayangan aku kat paha.. haha.. dah la time tido tu.. anak buah aku yang comel berlegar-legar kat sekeliling... ish2... aku tertido bukan sebab pemalas, k... tertido sebab penat cat rumah sikit dari pukul 10 sampai pukul 2 tadi...

encik blog.. aku nak mengeluh pasal "dia" lagi ni.. harap encik still ok lagi nk dengar aku merengek ...

time aku bangun tido tadi.. tiba2 aku rasa mcm org bodoh je sebab jatuh hati kat "dia".. then sayang sangat kat "dia"... then selalu rindukan "dia".... aku adalah orang yang menyedihkan....... bodoh.... sebab jatuh hati kat orang tu.. eee... kenapa la aku bodoh sangat.. wahai "dia"... aku tak sengaja nk jatuh kat awak... aku mintak maaf.......... lepas aku rasa macam tu.. aku teringat lagu gaseumi yokhae .. then.. aku post dlm FB part lirik tu.... 바보처럼 그저 바라보는 못난 사랑을 .... maksu nya... Umpama si bodoh, aku terus memandangmu meskipun cinta ini sukar/mustahil ........... hurmmmm..... bongok la aku ni... aku tak tau nk buat apa... tiap hari aku ingat kat "dia"............ can i just stop doing this!!! ..

>>>>>>>life = unexpected = making me fool for loving someone that is impossible to love <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<