i am stucked ........

My dear blog.. yesterday was my 1st paper for my final exam .. last week , during study week, i was not studying just the way i need to study .. I JUST HATE MYSELF when i am like this.. i hope i am not like this .. i hope i am hardworking more and more .. I got everything .. what more can i asked for? i just need to study harder & harder .. not like this! I hope i will study harder after this ..

My dear blog.. yesterday, i am quite unsatisfied with my exam .. the duration for that exam is only 2 hours, & during the 1st hour, i just keep mengelamun .. wasting my time .. then, i realize that the time is running out .. i finished my answers quickly .. semesti nya! my answer is not a good answer!!! adddoohhhh! but never mind .. let the bygone be bygone!!!!! & tomorrow .. i got mandarin test .. & now , i am wasting my time writing in my blog .. SUCH A GOOD TIME MANAGEMENT!!! congratulation to myself .. ! good boy! hahahaa ..

My dear blog .. last few days, perhaps last week .. suddenly , one of my friends suddenly texted me .. asking whether i am ok or not .. the text sound like this ( a bit .. ) ....... >>>>>> sein, ko ok ka? <<<<    .. i was really shocked! well , i am in a middle of my conversation with my friend, & suddenly a message pop out and asking that i am ok or not .. i didnt answer that question, but i asked he back .. y is he asking me that way .. my friend said, i look serabai .. or in other word serabut .. or i guess, it means .. messy .. i was still shocked .. i asked again for confirmation .. u mean serabai in what way? my hair? .. he told me .. i look messy , my hair & also my face .. he said .. i looked penat & sad .. & i still shocked .. i asked him .. really?? am i looked like that ?? cuz no one ever told me like that before .. he asked me again whether i am ok or not .. at that point .. i was speechless .. but .. at the time he asked me whether i am ok or not .. i just wondering, did he know i am not ok?????????? .. i just dont know how to explain .. everything was just too complicated , hard , long & winded explanation .. lastly .. i told my friend to read my blog .. i just dont know how to explain .. hope he would understand what was happening to me when he read my blog ...  i dont know .. my story for what is happening to me now is = it is easy in to say in a few sentence, but, hard to explain .. >> what happen is >> i fall in love to someone, someone that will never love me just the way i love someone, its hurt, & i cant ignore the feeling, the feeling cause my life upside down everyday, sometimes i am ok, sometimes i am very down, but, i am very fragile everyday, because i am struggling everyday to be happy & normal just the way i was, & most of the time, i am struggling to be normal, happy & cool , when outside, in a crowd, i was joking with my friend at the fullest so that the crowd will not notice that i am actually hurting .. that is what happen .... 'someone' that i have mentioned just.. nobody knows except I and Allah .. you neither dont know who is that my lovely blog .. & i am afraid people who know that i am falling for someone would speculate anything about me .. i hope people around me dont speculate such a ridiculous thing .. SO .. THAT IS WHAT WAS HAPPENING .. i just cant control myself to reduce my feeling .. i just cant control myself to be cool .. i just cant control myself to be stable .. i wish i am not terlalu sayang kan someone .. There are the time when I ask forgiven from Allah because of i am terlalu sayangkan seseorang .. I hope i am not this terlalu sayang but ... i cant control .. sooooo sad..

sambung balik about my friend who texted me just now, i said, i was trying to cover my sadness so that no one notice except my closest friend, i am bergurau & laughing at the fullest in the crowd so that my sadness is covered// but .. he notice .. he got such a strong eyes .. Lucky me to have his as my friend .. but .. I am so sorry to people around me .. some of my friends , i didnt share my story because i dont share my sadness too much with my friend .. my friend deserve a happy story from me .. but .. i am just a pathetic guy who are foolishly in love with someone ..

my dear blog .. just like what i have posted in my previous post, the healing is starting .. i guess .. it is starting .. but .. i am stucked .. i stuck with my old feeling .. too care about someone .. too much thinking about someone .. too worry about someone .. i am stucked .. i know i am healing .. for the past few days.. i create a few words for me .. which are .. 'i dont care' .. 'its ok' .. 'i am fine' ....... and i let go anything that is going to happen especially when things are related to 'someone' ..i guess .. those words are getting strong .. & after i am using those words in my mind, i will force myself to smile .. & it works a bit .. haha ..

i guess .. i wanna stop here .. i hope i can finish my revision for mandarin .. all those millions of characters are killing me to memorize !!! aarrgghhhhhhh.........